On The Danger of Bananas
by Ketsui Meraki
Summary: After Thor dies a stupid death and is greeted by Hela in Helheim, he falls into the pits of despair. Will he ever get back to Asgard? And don't mind Loki, he's just here to visit his daughter, no matter what you may think.


**THIS IS DEDICATED TO lost-in-elysium, TO WHOM I PROMISED THIS AGES AGO BUT THEN LIFE HAPPENED. SORRY! Anyways, I had also said that this would be a small one-shot, but it turned out to be quite big. So hopefully, you'll forgive me.**

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><p>Everybody knew how Thor would die. It was simply a fact, like how Odin had an eye-patch, or how Loki made mischief. Everyone simply knew he would die in a blaze of glory, perhaps on the battlefield, or while vanquishing a great flow (Loki, on the other hand, firmly believed that Thor would fall victim to his own stupidity). Everyone just knew that Thor would go to Valhalla. It was simply a fact of the universe.<p>

That was why it was quite unexpected when Thor, who had just woken up, slipped on a banana, went down seven flights of stairs, hit his head quite hard on the wall, and died. It seemed everyone had been wrong.

Well, everyone except for Loki that is.

"UP, UP, UP!" a voice impatiently shouted.

Thor curled inwards and mumbled sleepily, "Five more minutes, Mum."

The feminine voice huffed and said wryly, "I am not your mother Thor, and would be quite horrified to find out if it was, not to mention that it's pretty much impossible. Well, unless you involve time travel, but that opens up a whole another can of worms. But back on topic, I'm actually quite mad that you don't recognize me. What kind of an uncle are you?"

Thor blinked blearily. Wait, what? Uncle? That could only mean— "Hel?!" Thor shouted in alarm, bolting upright.

"Yup, so glad to see you finally recognize me," Hel replied sarcastically. "Couldn't even say hello, after I took time off to personally take care of you?"

Thor stared, "What are you doing here?"

"Still as rude as ever, I see," Hel muttered, "And I think the question is, what are you doing here, Uncle?"

Thor stared blankly at her, "What?"

Hela rolled her eyes, "You died, you moron. You slipped on a bananna, tripped down some stairs, hit your head, and died."

This time it was Thor who rolled his eyes, "Haha, very funny. Loki put you up to this, didn't he?"

Hela blinked in confusion, then came to an understanding. She nodded sagely, "You're in the denial stage. Rather stupid, though I suppose you can't help that. But don't worry uncle, I'll snap you out of it!"

"What the- look, I am not in denial because I'm not dead," Thor answered rather crossly.

"It's alright, uncle, I understand. Everyone goes through it. You must've forgotten your death. Here, let me refresh your memory," saying that, Hela lightly flicked Thor's head.

"Ow!" Thor yelped.

Hela stared, "I didn't flick that hard. Men are such babies."

Thor scowled as he recalled how he slipped on the banana. He declared, "I still don't believe you. There is no way I would ever die by just slipping on a banana! Everybody knows that."

Hela sighed, and replied patronizingly, "Clearly, everyone was wrong. Like it or not, you're in my realm now."

At that moment, Glut, who had been Thor's minder when he had been young, came in. She started, "My Lady, I- Thor! What are you doing here?"

"Glut?!" Thor exclaimed, shocked.

"He died, obviously," Hela said impatiently.

Glut stared at her uncomprehendingly. She asked, "My Lady, why is he not in Valhalla?"

"Because he died a stupid death," Hela snarked, "Is that so hard to believe?"

"Yes," Glut and Thor answered immediately.

Hela glared and threw up her hands in frustration. She announced, "You know what, I've had enough. I'm not dealing with you anymore." With that, she turned and made a dramatic exit.

"Wait a moment! Does this mean I'm really dead?! NOOOO!"

"Now, now, Thor. You just need to calm down..."

As it turned out, Thor did not calm down and his depression and anger brought up a storm that lasted for several days. Strong winds blew across the land, bring with it rain and hail and destruction everywhere. By the time a visitor came around, most of the inhabitants were getting quite fed up with Thor's gloominess.

"Hela, my darling daughter!" Loki chirped cheerfully, a sharp contrast to the weather.

"Dad!" Hela squealed, giving him a hug. Then she promptly hit him. Lightning crackled.

"Ow!" Loki yelped, giving her a wounded look. "What was that for?"

"You haven't visited in weeks," Hela scolded with a glower.

"M'sorry," Loki apologized, "I was a bit busy. Here's some chocolate to make it up to you."

Hela stared. In the background rain continued to pound away.

"C'mon," Loki coaxed, "Nobody can stay mad at chocolate."

"I suppose," Hela conceded as she took the box of chocolate.

"So anyway, Odin needed someone to come down here, and since it had been a while since I saw my darling daughter, I volunteered! The thing was, he wants Thor back. So I was hoping you'd ask something more fun this time, unlike Baldur-"

Hela cut him off, "No, I said that Baldur was a one time thing."

Loki asked, "You sure? Think of all the pranking opportunities you'd ask for-"

Hela answered firmly, "No." Thunder boomed.

Loki asked slyly, "Even if it means getting rid of this weather?"

Hela deflated a little and complained, "Uncle is such a sore loser, Dad! But I'm not giving him up, not after I've won."

"Kay," Loki shrugged, "I'll hide out here until Odin calms down some, then."

"Hopefully you'll be able to calm Thor down," Hela muttered.

"I'll try," Loki replied, "But I make no promises."

As it turned out, Loki did not succeed. Thor remained as gloomy as ever despite his best efforts. Nothing Loki said or did could change Thor's mood.

It was obvious to all that Thor was sulking and in denial, but still... The citizens of Helheim sighed and prayed it would be over soon.

Lightning struck. Hela twitched. Thunder boomed. Outside, a rabbit floated away in the water. Hela took a deep breath. Rain viciously pounded the windows. Suddenly, Hela slammed her hand down, "I'VE HAD ENOUGH!"

She immediately stormed away to where Thor was. He only scowled at her.

He snapped at her, "What?"

She glowered at him and hissed, "You'd think that he would be happy staying with his niece, wouldn't you?"

Beside her, Loki nodded his head sagely and said, "Exactly!"

"But no! He's being all gloomy and broody and- and- and a complete and utter menace!" Hela ranted angrily.

"Have you no shame, Thor?" Loki demanded gleefully, enjoying this a little too much.

Thor gaped, then declared indignantly, "I am not a menace, how dare suggest that?!"

"How dare you think that you are _not_ a menace?!" Hela retorted. Loki nodded in agreement. Hela grabbed Thor by the ear and started dragging him away. Loki followed.

"Ow!" Thor yelped.

"Shut up," Hela growled at him. "You and I, mister, are going to have a long talk."

Loki privately thought it would be less of a talk and more of a rant. And rant she did at Thor, all the way to the gates of Helheim. It mostly consisted of Hela alternating between insulting Thor rather colorfully and lecturing on proper manners. Halfway to their destination, Loki had plugged in some earplugs, fearing for his ears. Thor didn't have that luxury however, and kept wincing every five seconds. Loki was pretty sure it was loud enough that all of Helheim could hear her yelling.

As they approached the gates of Helheim, Loki perked up as he noticed Odin standing near them trying, and failing, to argue past the guard dogs. He decided that Odin had probably gotten pissed at having to wait so long and had decided to take matters into his own hands and try to convince Hela to release Thor. It was about when they were about three meters away from the gates that Hela finally decided to notice the King of Asgard.

"AND YOU! DON'T YOU KNOW HOW TO TEACH YOUR KID PROPER MANNERS?! HUH, DON'T YOU?! I THOUGHT IT WAS BAD ENOUGH WHEN YOU DECIDED TO EXILE SEVERAL OF YOUR GRANDCHILDREN, BUT NO! APPARENTLY YOU CAN BE EVEN WORSE, YOU UNCOUTH HOOLIGAN!" Hela screeched at Odin before bodily Thor at him.

Crash!

"Ow," both Thor and Odin groaned in pain.

"AND STAY OUT, PLEBEIANS!" Hela yelled at them before shooting them with a blast of magic which sent them flying several meters away. She then proceeded to slam the doors of Helheim close.

There was finally a moment of silence, "So just to be clear, you kicked Thor out of Helheim because he's a nuisance?"

"Yeah," Hela glanced at him suspiciously. Suddenly, her eyes widened as she came to a realization. She accused, "You planned for this to happen, didn't you?"

Loki gave her an innocent look, which fooled no one. He just shrugged and gave an excuse neither of them believed, "I just asked because the Warriors Three opened up a betting pool on how Thor would get out."

"Dad!" Hela exclaimed indignantly. "How could you?"

Loki just smirked and pointed out, "Well. I am the god of mischief."

Hela just gave a long-suffering sigh and conceded, "Yes, yes you are."

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><p><strong>And that's the end. Hope you enjoyed it!<strong>


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